the last gasp from a burst lung
I can’t quite articulate how I’m feeling right now.
I am trying to come to terms with my grief and felt the need to sit down and write about something very prevalent but also very difficult to discuss.
“Come find me now, where I hide and
We’ll speak in our secret tongues” Frightened Rabbit – The Woodpile (Pedestrian Verse, 2013)
There are thousands of people in mourning about the death of Scott Hutchison – none more so than his family, bandmates and friends. Scott, his respect for people suffering from mental illness and his ability to make people feel something – even if it is sadness was a brilliant but troubled soul.
The world has lost this soul but we must ensure his message and beliefs are not forgotten. I am sure I am not alone in saying that us fans are better off having had our experiences with him and his music. Just reading some interactions Scott had with his fans I can substantiate this.
As I’ve said before (and many others have, too), Frightened Rabbit and their songs have been a huge part of my life. My early 20s were full of finding new music and Frightened Rabbit happened to be one of the bands I uncovered. When I was in the depths of despair or just wanting to listen to an old favourite, I would always turn to Scott and his soulful lyrics and I knew I would be ok.
Scott’s ability to articulate the feeling of depression was incredible.
Upon listening to some of Frightened Rabbit’s albums over the past two days, I have been reminded about how remarkable and poignant his song writing was. Even if the song was desperately sad, the energy the band made with their music could help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish he could have seen it, too.
I have fond memories of seeing the band play in Sydney several times and on one occasion took my brother and we had a fantastic sibling adventure. Scott was a consummate gentleman on stage, his humour hiding the fact he was in fact quite shy. I remember at Laneway festival when the band started their set he said, “We’re fat, ugly and you’ll probably hate us – but fuck it, we’re going to play for you anyway”. I danced and sang my heart out and it was honestly one of the best performances I’ve ever seen.
Our lives have been enriched for having had you in it. Rest in peace, Scott.
Lately I’ve been in a bad place myself and entertained dark ideation. I have felt unworthy, unloved and extremely unhappy. I am lucky that I recognise my triggers and sought help which I am fortunate enough to have access to. I also have some very important people in my life who I would not be able to live without.
Sometimes people aren’t so lucky and can’t see through the thick fog of depression. Life is hard enough and it’s SO much harder feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders.
The thing is that no matter who you are, you matter.
I’m not saying that it’s always easy but there are people you can talk to, there are places to turn and there are people that love you. The stigma attached to mental health needs to end. It’s ok not to feel ok.
I will close with one of his songs that I have held close to my heart for years and will do so forever.
The booze in my blood runs fast and loud
and my brain shouts down to my mouth
“Say whatever I think. Say it at him.”
When the dam bursts open and you’re drowned out, boy
better go outside, sit in your boat and wait
’til you get washed away
Hold onto your thumbs
Tighten your eyelids
Lock up your ears, my dear, I’m verbal when I am loaded
Duck under that desk
Cover your neck
Thicken your skin as I begin to shoot myself in the foot again
As the body succumbs and my mouth goes numb
I limp out to the sound of the breaking of broken toes
A vandal spoke
In the stark and the sobering dry sunlight
I will blink my eyes and hope the blink can erase
all the shit that I said and did
Hold onto your thumbs
Tighten your eyelids
Lock up your ears, my dear, I’m verbal when I am loaded
Duck under that desk
Cover your neck
Thicken your skin as I begin to shoot myself in the foot again
If I shoot at you, you should shoot at me, too
and we can drown in pools of the thick dark words we threw
As my face turns white, I apologise
I am sorry
it’s not your fault
its mine
Hold onto your thumbs
Tighten your eyelids
Lock up your ears, my dear, I’m verbal when I am loaded
Duck under that desk
Cover your neck
Thicken your skin as I begin to shoot myself in the foot again
FRIGHTENED RABBIT – FOOTSHOOTER (THE WINTER OF MIXED DRINKS, 2010)
‘And while I’m alive, I’ll make tiny changes to the earth.”
https://www.facebook.com/TinyChanges/
If you or anyone you know is struggling, please contact the following :
NB. These are Australian numbers.
- Lifeline – 13 11 14
- Beyond Blue – 1300 22 4636 / https://www.beyondblue.org.au/
- http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/
- Suicide Prevention – RU Ok? https://www.ruok.org.au/
Lyrics and Wanderlust 