This year has been massive.

I have loved and I have lost, I have worked and been rewarded. I have been blue, oh so blue but now I’m in such a better place.

I wanted to reflect upon this year where so much (but also so little) has happened.

• I started and then deferred my Masters of Clinical Nurse Education
• I have just enrolled instead in my Post Graduate Honours (Acute Care Nursing) degree (2018 here we come!)
• I had a wonderful relationship with a wonderful person that was just not at the right time.
• I travelled to Spain and Portugal with my Dad, a kind of goodbye to solo family holidays and a celebration of the best man I know turning 60.
• A job as a staffing co-ordinator which I hated and dreamt of being back on the wards again (which I ended up going back to my beloved general medicine) – it gave me a whole new perspective of the hospital
• A first wedding anniversary for my beloved brother and his beautiful wife
• turning 28
• making new friends, saying goodbye toxic friends
• losing my appendix and then gaining weight
• dealing with new found body image issues (scars on my abdomen)
• flings with flirty physiotherapists
• tinder dates that would tire your eyes
• reality of my darling dog, Millie growing old (I got her when I was 15)
• becoming more of the person I hope to be
• being a better friend
• not losing touch with those who just need some space, then finally reconnecting with them
• finding so much musical bliss
• accepting that I am who I am
• acknowledging my anxiety triggers
• freaking out about my ticking biological clock
• crushing on ridiculous people
• being proud to be Australian and a part of making the “YES” vote count
• being a daughter, sister, and friend who is loved unconditionally

Thank you, 2017. You have taught me so much about myself and those I adore. It has certainly not been easy but I’m still here and we’re still here and we’ve GOT this!

Here are some songs that remind me of times long gone… where it be driving around in the car with my dad, or a song that reminds me of school days or uni days, here are my top picks of songs and their meanings to me:

THE TEMPTATIONS – MY GIRL

This song will forever remind me of driving with my Dad. He’d sing this song to me and I’d groove. Without a doubt I was his girl. If I ever get married (hahaha) this will be my father-daughter dance – I’ve always promised this to him since I was a wee babe. It reminds me of our love and our remarkably unbreakable bond (even if I am a messy pain in the arse).

MEN AT WORK – DOWN UNDER

When I went to university, I met one of the greatest people I’ve ever met, my friend Stephanie. I remember the day I met her, I asked her if she wanted to look at my textbook. Many step brothers quotes later we became best friends. We were fortunate (and smart enough) to win scholarships to study at Georgetown University in Washington, D.C. Those days I will NEVER forget. If I didn’t have my best friend with me, I would have been an utter mess. This song reminds me of times at our beloved Tombs where we’d start the dance floor off by requesting this song – we were the beloved Aussies who weren’t so reliable paying the tab… or so we thought (we worked out in the end that we were more than reliable). I also remember when we were feeling awfully homesick blasting this in Steph’s dorm room. Even during Hurricane Sandy. Great times. I can’t believe it was 5 years ago.

DARYL BRAITHWAITE – THE HORSES

This song was released when I was 4 or 5 and I was OBSESSED with it. I remember riding around in the car and whenever the horse song came on I’d demand it be played and be played LOUD. Thanks MUM! Every Australian kid should remember this song fondly.

CULTURE CLUB – KARMA CHAMELEON

This song is on this list more for the fact that it drove my brother INSANE. When I was younger, my brother would stand at the bottom of the stairs and yell, “SHOW ME YOUR FACE” before I went to school. I FUCKING HATED IT! so in retaliation, I’d play this. His least favourite song.  It’s a great song but he loathed it and that made it about 500000x funnier when he would almost howl when I’d play it to prove that yes, I was awake, and yes, I heard you the freaking first time you tried to wake me up. Thanks heaps, bud.

FRANKIE VALLI & THE FOUR SEASons – DECEMBER, 1963 (Oh,  What a Night)

When I was in year 8 (2002), my mum bought me tickets to see a musical, Oh, What a Night! for my birthday. It was then that I fell even more in love with 70s music that she adored so much. I remember hearing this banger and my head, spun around and the took the party under. Another one to chalk up to Mum. Thanks babe!

JIMMY EAT WORLD – THE MIDDLE

This is another tune I can chalk up to the genius that is my brother. This tune should be the lifeblood of any of my fellow generation y’ers. It is pretty much IMPOSSIBLE to be jazzed up by this bloody banger of a tune.

RÖYKSOPP – WHAT ELSE IS THERE?

This reminds me of my beloved high school friend, Kate. Through thick and thin, we’ve remained the best of friends. I remember hearing this in the common room in year 12. The remix, that is. Ridiculous. We used to dance to this tune in an extremely unforgiving and embarrassing manner. I know Kate will read this, I also know she’ll cringe the same way I do when thinking about how awesome we thought we were in year 12. Remember Maths, Kate?

LEN – STEAL MY SUNSHINE

[Tim]
Hey, Matt
[Matt]
Yeah, Tim?
[Tim]
Hey, you talked to Marc lately?
[Matt]
Uh, haven’t really talked to him but he looks pretty, uh, down
[Tim]
“He looks pretty, uh, down?”
Yeah, well maybe we should cheer him up then
[Matt]
What do you, uh, suppose we should do?
[Tim]
Well, does he like butter tarts?

WHO DOESN’T REMEMBER THIS SONG? I couldn’t for the life of me understand why some pregnant chick was riding around on a fucking scooter. Where is her kid these days? is it famous? I NEED TO KNOW.

Please share some golden oldies, I know I have a million more but these are a few absolute favourites…

*Warning – Expletives used in this post (to emphasise the emotion)*

There has been a lot of hate in this world lately, I’ve been inspired by One Love Manchester to create a list of songs that give you goosebumps – those that make you feel… The joy of music is that it makes you feel.

U2 – With or Without You

So everybody probably knows this song. I associate it with my teenage angst and the novel turned movie, Looking For Alibrandi. A tale of searching for who you are – who are you?

“If I could be anything but what I am, I would be tomorrow. If I could be what my father wants me to be, then maybe I could stay for that, too. If I could be what you want me to be, I’d want to stay. But I am what I am, and all I want is freedom.”

This takes me back to my English HSC exam in 2006. This was my chosen related text for “journeys”, you know – the journey you take to find yourself or whatever it is you need to find. I will never forget writing this quote in my essay about journeys – in the end, you find yourself with or without whoever it is you think they may be… I digress… This song shaped so many generations. I’m the last one to laud U2 but this fucking song is everything. It means hope, it means despair, it means ultimate sadness and ultimate happiness… I don’t know – it just makes me feel.

Bon Iver – Calgary 

This FUCKING song. I just don’t even know where to begin. I know I’ve waxed lyrical about this bloody song so many times. I cannot emphasise how important this song is to me – it got me through my first ever university exams. I passed with flying colours and won a Scholarship to Georgetown University thanks to this song (and fucking hard work) This song is about a place you’ve never been, or somebody from a place you’ve never been. I don’t know. It just KILLS me every single time. A musical masterpiece from one of my favourite bands ever to exist, Bon Iver, I often fall back on its dulcet tones in my hours of despair. What can I say? it makes me feel.

Coldplay – Fix You

I’m the first to admit that I haven’t been a massive fan of Coldplay since their first album, but FUCK, this song could elicit tears from a stone.

“lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and I will try to fix you” 

If you can honestly tell me this song doesn’t give you the feels then I really don’t know what’s wrong with you – are you a robot? this song is the With or Without You of the 00’s (don’t quote me on that).

Fleetwood Mac – Landslide

“well, I’ve been afraid of changin’
’cause I’ve built my life around you
but time makes you bolder
even children get older
and I’m getting older, too”

There’s those themes again – growth and change. Two of the most terrifying concepts for adults… I’ve always had a soft spot for Stevie and the rest of Fleetwood Mac but this song encapsulates what it is to grow older, feel the burden of caring (almost too much) and realising that hey – it happens to those of us who are lucky enough to keep our lives.

Again, it’s a song that reminds me of my dad – through thick and thin, we’re the original duo.

Bon Iver – I Can’t Make You Love Me/Nick of Time (Bonnie Raitt cover)

Yes this is a cover but fuck me, what a ridiculously incredible cover. Last year at Vivid Sydney, I was lucky to see Bon Iver for the 3rd time… To my utter delight and my heart’s demise, Justin played this song with Sean Carey… A tale about not being able to win the heart of someone you can’t live without… but with a twist at the end and you find something in the nick of time… If this song doesn’t bring a tear to your eye, you’re a cold hearted son of a gun. Who can go past Justin’s voice in the first place?

“cos I can’t make you love me
if you don’t.
you can’t make your heart feel
something it won’t.
here in the dark
in these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
and I’ll feel the power;
but you won’t.
no, you won’t.
I can’t make you love me
if you don’t.”

The Temptations – My Girl

This song will forever remind me of driving around in the back of my father’s Merc when I was a little girl – singing and enjoying our time together.

I have always sworn that the father-daughter dance at my wedding (if that ever happens) will be this song- Dad used to sing this to me – I was (and still am) HIS girl. There’s a bond that will never break between us. My father is serious, intelligent, forgiving, supportive and above all loving.

Band of Horses – No One’s Gonna Love You 

This song reminds me of my sister (in-law) and the love my brother has for her. At their wedding, I remarked, “I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d rather be the wife of my beloved Nicky” Kate is literally the glue that holds everything together when shit gets real, but Nick is the person who would do anything to make her smile. I get tears in my eyes thinking about them and their love for each other – it’s remarkable, humbling, enviable and pure.

Crowded House – Don’t Dream It’s Over

This is one of the songs most Australian kids were brought up listening to – indeed much of Crowded House’s backlog. This is a quintessential Aussie/Kiwi song musing the disheveled place our world has become. No truer words sung when this was first written than sung now. It’s multi-faceted, about love, the world and you. I guess the message from the lyrics just speaks for themselves,

Conclusion

I could write for days about songs and their way of making me feel such raw emotion. I could hardly encapsulate all of those songs and their vivid beauty in one post. For now, my heart is full and I am content.

6 years on, this is still one of my favourite albums ever produced. Never has there been an artist that has made such an impact on me. I could say that Bon Iver the band and Justin Vernon, the mastermind has shaped so much of what I am and what I love. I’m in the mood for reminiscing on one of the most masterful and spectacularly beautiful albums I’ve ever had the privilege of listening to. I’ve seen Bon Iver 3 times now, twice at Sydney Opera House and once at Radio City Music Hall in New York City. Each time I was moved to tears.

I could write an essay about the lessons and experiences I associate with this album – this album got me through my first exams as a 1st year nursing student; it comforted me when I was 9763 miles away from home when I studied at Georgetown University in 2012; it has made me cry; it has forged firm friendships and most of all it has made me feel.

So here we go – a (slightly) edited version of one of my first forays into writing about the music I love.

Way back in May 2011, when I first wrote about the building anticipation that I had for the release of Justin Vernon’s band, Bon Iver’s self-titled second album, I wondered whether it could ever surpass all of my wildest expectations…

Sometimes when a singer or band comes along that you have never heard anything like before and you listen to them… and you feel something so raw, sweet, haunting and brilliant that makes something click for you like For Emma, Forever Ago, and you wonder whether anything could ever match or even better the work of art that is that masterpiece of an album, you wonder whether the long awaited follow-up will be “all that” and you’re pleasantly surprised that yes, 3 years wait does pay off and that yes, Justin Vernon is without a doubt a talented artist.

Let’s preface this, Vernon states, “Every song sort of drifted towards that theme, [of] tying themselves to places and trying to explain what places are and what places aren’t.”… take the journey and find out yourself…

The album starts with “Perth” named after Western Australia’s capital city.

Vernon states that,

“the song and the way it sounds and where Perth is, it’s like the world’s most isolated capital city, I think that spoke to me… the whole record starts in Perth. Perth can be the beginning of stuff, and for me Perth is like birth in this record – the whole chaotic aspect of being born and how messy it is, I guess.”

With it’s haunting and eerie drum beats and searing hook “still alive who you love”, Perth is an unforgettable and brilliant introduction to the luscious journey that lies ahead.

Minnesota, Wi.

never gonna break
never gonna break

Holocene

Arguably one of the most famous songs from the album, Vernon suggests, “the title is a metaphor for when you’re not doing well. But it’s also a song about redemption and realising that you’re worth something; that you’re special and not special at the same time.”

…and at once I knew
I was not magnificent…
I could see for miles, miles, miles 

Towers

“Towers” is a true tribute to the Native American-preserved land in Washington state where the video was shot.

for the love, I’d fallen on 
in the swampy August dawn
what a mischief you would bring young darling!
when the onus is not all your own
when you’re up for it before you’re grown

Michicant

Vernon states, “It’s about the things you can’t do any more. So if you do you’ll be sent to West Michigan for ever.” (In other words – Hell).

love can hardly leave the room with your heart

Hinnom, Tx.

No, it’s not a real town in Texas, but…

well it swirls and it sweeps
you just set it

Wash.

I… I’m telling darkness from lines on you

Calgary

don’t you cherish me to sleep
never keep your eyelids clipped
hold me for the pops and clicks
I was only for the father’s crib

hair, old long along
your neck on to your shoulder blades
always keep that message taped
cross your breasts you won’t erase
I was only for your very space

hip, under nothing
propped up by your other one,
face ‘way from the sun
just have to keep a dialogue
teach our bodies: haunt the cause
I was only trying to spell a loss

so it’s storming on the lake
little waves our bodies break
there’s a fire going on,
but there’s really nothing to the south

swollen orange and light let through
your one piece swimmer stuck to you

sold, I’m ever
open ears and open eyes
wake up to your starboard bride
who goes in and then stays inside
oh the demons come, they can subside

“Calgary is more about longing for a place you’ve never been or someone from a place that you’ve never been…” The first single released off the album was a delicious teaser as to what lay ahead for eager listeners. An instantly likeable track with the familiar achy and urgent strains of Justin’s voice guiding us through a story with infinite possibilities in regards to interpretation of the lyrics.

And finally,

Beth/Rest

The juxtaposition of sound that Vernon has created from the Birth (Perth) to the Rest (Beth/Rest) is extremely brave and interesting, the 80s vibe is one that takes a few listens to get used to but is a destination well worth the journey which the album takes you on to get to. It is the letting go of things he attributes to being able to write this song – one unlike anything he had ever written before and he states that,

 “just like Perth is the beginning of things, Beth/Rest is a place where you rest… it comes to a place and you just sort-of let go…” 

…
this is axiom 

Because of the crickets, I thought I should make a little playlist.

Lately I’ve found myself head over heels in love with the most incredible person I’ve ever met. I wasn’t looking for anyone, then again, nor was he. It happened, we clicked and he almost hasn’t left my side since. Oh the romance of love. It makes me giddy, it makes me silly, it makes me say ridiculous things but most of all it makes me feel. Here are some tunes that make me feel…

Until next time,
E
x