My brother, dog and I were all born on the 21st of March. Nick 1986, Me 1989 (yes, same day 3 years apart), then Sophie Bear, 2018 in Inverell, NSW – our Dad’s hometown. Fate? Absolutely.

XXI• III • MCMLXXXVI Nick/Brother

XXI • III • MMXVIII Sophie/Dog

the last gasp from a burst lung

I can’t quite articulate how I’m feeling right now.

I am trying to come to terms with my grief and felt the need to sit down and write about something very prevalent but also very difficult to discuss.

“Come find me now, where I hide and
We’ll speak in our secret tongues” Frightened Rabbit – The Woodpile (Pedestrian Verse, 2013) 

There are thousands of people in mourning about the death of Scott Hutchison – none more so than his family, bandmates and friends. Scott, his respect for people suffering from mental illness and his ability to make people feel something – even if it is sadness was a brilliant but troubled soul.

The world has lost this soul but we must ensure his message and beliefs are not forgotten. I am sure I am not alone in saying that us fans are better off having had our experiences with him and his music. Just reading some interactions Scott had with his fans I can substantiate this.

As I’ve said before (and many others have, too), Frightened Rabbit and their songs have been a huge part of my life. My early 20s were full of finding new music and Frightened Rabbit happened to be one of the bands I uncovered. When I was in the depths of despair or just wanting to listen to an old favourite, I would always turn to Scott and his soulful lyrics and I knew I would be ok.

Scott’s ability to articulate the feeling of depression was incredible.

Upon listening to some of Frightened Rabbit’s albums over the past two days, I have been reminded about how remarkable and poignant his song writing was. Even if the song was desperately sad, the energy the band made with their music could help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish he could have seen it, too.

I have fond memories of seeing the band play in Sydney several times and on one occasion took my brother and we had a fantastic sibling adventure. Scott was a consummate gentleman on stage, his humour hiding the fact he was in fact quite shy. I remember at Laneway festival when the band started their set he said, “We’re fat, ugly and you’ll probably hate us – but fuck it, we’re going to play for you anyway”. I danced and sang my heart out and it was honestly one of the best performances I’ve ever seen.

Our lives have been enriched for having had you in it. Rest in peace, Scott. 

Lately I’ve been in a bad place myself and entertained dark ideation. I have felt unworthy, unloved and extremely unhappy. I am lucky that I recognise my triggers and sought help which I am fortunate enough to have access to. I also have some very important people in my life who I would not be able to live without.

Sometimes people aren’t so lucky and can’t see through the thick fog of depression. Life is hard enough and it’s SO much harder feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders.

The thing is that no matter who you are, you matter. 

I’m not saying that it’s always easy but there are people you can talk to, there are places to turn and there are people that love you. The stigma attached to mental health needs to end. It’s ok not to feel ok.

I will close with one of his songs that I have held close to my heart for years and will do so forever.

The booze in my blood runs fast and loud
and my brain shouts down to my mouth
“Say whatever I think. Say it at him.”
When the dam bursts open and you’re drowned out, boy
better go outside, sit in your boat and wait
’til you get washed away

Hold onto your thumbs
Tighten your eyelids
Lock up your ears, my dear, I’m verbal when I am loaded
Duck under that desk
Cover your neck
Thicken your skin as I begin to shoot myself in the foot again

As the body succumbs and my mouth goes numb
I limp out to the sound of the breaking of broken toes
A vandal spoke
In the stark and the sobering dry sunlight
I will blink my eyes and hope the blink can erase
all the shit that I said and did

Hold onto your thumbs
Tighten your eyelids
Lock up your ears, my dear, I’m verbal when I am loaded
Duck under that desk
Cover your neck
Thicken your skin as I begin to shoot myself in the foot again

If I shoot at you, you should shoot at me, too
and we can drown in pools of the thick dark words we threw
As my face turns white, I apologise
I am sorry
it’s not your fault
its mine

Hold onto your thumbs
Tighten your eyelids
Lock up your ears, my dear, I’m verbal when I am loaded
Duck under that desk
Cover your neck
Thicken your skin as I begin to shoot myself in the foot again

FRIGHTENED RABBIT – FOOTSHOOTER (THE WINTER OF MIXED DRINKS, 2010)

‘And while I’m alive, I’ll make tiny changes to the earth.” 

https://www.facebook.com/TinyChanges/

If you or anyone you know is struggling, please contact the following :

NB. These are Australian numbers.

• Lifeline – 13 11 14
• Beyond Blue – 1300 22 4636 / https://www.beyondblue.org.au/
• http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/ 
• Suicide Prevention – RU Ok? https://www.ruok.org.au/ 

I cannot look at you at work
I cannot look at you at work because I still want you
I cannot acknowledge you at work because of this
I cannot speak to you at work because I miss you
I cannot miss you any more than I do now
I’m sorry you couldn’t miss me this way.

It’s looking like a limb torn off
Or all together just taken apart
We’re reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one’s gonna love you more than I do

And anything to make you smile
It is a better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over there, then back to another one

And no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one’s gonna love you more than I do

But someone, they could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing’s tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
When things start splitting at the seams and now
It’s tumbling down hard

And anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
I never want to hear you say
That you’d be better off or you liked it that way

And no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one’s gonna love you more than I do

But someone, they should have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing’s tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
When things start splitting at the seams and now
It’s tumbling down, hard

Band of Horses – No One’s Gonna Love You

When I was in  my early 20s, I was lucky enough to see  The Middle East in concert at the famous Laneway Festival (Circa 2011).

When I was there, I, like a lot of people wept at the gorgeous tunes to come from this Townsville native band consisting of the following past members and accomplished musicians in their own right,

Their first release, Recordings of the Middle East (2009) EP was a gorgeous introduction to the band:

1. The Darkest Side
2. Lonely
3. Blood
4. Fools Gold
5. Beleriand

Their debut album, I Want That You Are Always Happy (2011) has a special place in my heart…

Tracks including Months and The Land of the Bloody Unknown are unmistakably, quintessential Australian themed.

There’s a minstrel singing of the holy dove
On the mountain of old St Jerome
There is glass on the floor of the hallway I walk
When the stars bear down from their throne
And the old southern cross is shown
And it points down the sad road home
To the land of the bloody unknown

They announced their separation later that year and I’m not afraid to say I’ve wept since thinking I’d never get the honour and privilege of hearing them again.

Fast forward several years (now I’m 30!) and one desperately sad band break-up later, The Middle East are re-forming to play a special gig at Vivid Sydney.

I got wind of the Vivid concert the day I turned 30 and I felt it an omen. Immediately, I set an alarm to buy tickets to see this treasured band at the one and only Sydney Opera House as part of the yearly festival tradition that is Vivid:Sydney.

Immediately, I thought of the meaning the band gave to my 20s, the love and longing in their lyrics spurred something in me. Indeed when I was homesick at university in Washington, D.C., all I needed to hear was, “Months” and I was immediately transported to my homecoming to Sydney.

Well I seen many places
And they all been seen before
I done lost my Jack Luck spirit
I’m goin’ back to Hitch at home

The band have numerous standout tracks, especially “Blood” which was even featured in a Hollywood movie (Crazy, Stupid Love)

To say I am excited to see The Middle East on Friday is an understatement. It’s difficult to articulate ones feelings about something that helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel of homesickness. I can’t wait to sing and cry along with the band…

More than anything I cherish how bands can make me feel and articulate some things that I can’t quite articulate myself.

To The Middle East, thank you for making me (and us) feel – even if it is the pangs of homesickness. Thanks to you guys I acknowledge fondly and know to which brown land I belong more now than ever before.

Finally, to Spunk records for making this reunion a reality, thank you, endlessly.

hey hitch, hey hitch I’m comin’ home 

…And finally, my most beloved song of theirs, “Lonely”

We have material minds
And restless hands
Longing hearts
And lonely beds
But we purchase stuff
And work too hard
Use our heads
And fill our beds

What’ve we done?

What’ve we done?

And we’re left with wretched hearts
And mangled minds
Concrete feet
And beggars lies
But we live our lives
On broken earth
We need repair our eyes [?]
To kiss the dirt

What’ve we done

What’ve we done

But what do you do when you’re out of touch, what do you do?
And how do you live with a conscience so caught up, how do you live?

Oh what do you do when you’re out of touch, what do you do?
And how do you live with a conscience so caught up, how do you live?

Oh what do you do when you’re out of touch, what do you do?
And how do you live with a conscience so caught up?
So caught up
So caught up
So caught up

So caught up
So caught up
So caught up
So caught up

and oh god, this is my favourite song at the moment.

Mansionair – Speak Easy (2015)

A tight little group out of Sydney. Listen and bliss out.

Happy August to everyone.

The past few months have been an absolute whirlwind… I don’t think one blog post could do it justice.

First of all, I got a new job! I am a community nurse and liaison for a company based in Adelaide. I drive all around Sydney and organise private nursing in the home for patients. It’s tough but it’s a good challenge and the welcoming I have received so far from people is wonderful. I trained in Adelaide for 10 days in June which was hectic but great. Some great friends over in the South!

Second of all, I bought an apartment. Sophie and I moved in on Saturday with many special thanks indeed to Elizabeth, Joss, my Brother, Dad and his partner, Ange. I have bought things this last week that I never really thought about buying before – a microwave and a vacuum cleaner, home and contents insurance and a bed… the list goes on and my credit card has taken a massive beating.

I am happy though, and lord knows how unhappy I have been this year. You could say I should do this to my shrink next time I see him:

Here’s a song to see you out whilst I’m trying to live my best life! xo

Hey!

I have an announcement to make: I resigned from my job!

For those who don’t know me that well, I have a Bachelor of Nursing and have been nursing on the wards for approx. 4 years. Prior to that I was a dental nurse for my Dad for 8 years – there were perks but also downsides, let me tell you. I’ve had a lot of hands-on experience within the healthcare setting. I’ve decided it’s time for a change… it’s time for me to experience the medical profession from a different angle.

Some people might think, “WOW, Edwina, that’s a rash decision” but I beg to differ. I have been extremely unhappy for a long time and I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. Then it dawned on me after spending thousands of dollars on therapy that it wasn’t me that was the problem, it was the toxic environment in which I begrudgingly got out of bed to attend every day – WORK.

I am not saying I hate my ward and that everybody is terrible (this is far, far from the truth) but if I’m being honest, this has been a long time coming. I have thought for a long time that further education would change my mind about this but it hasn’t. I’ve just been stuck in a rut. I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Without getting into too much detail, I found myself thinking, “we should nurture each other as fellow nurses and encourage their pursuits” then I thought about how that wasn’t an inherent quality or value on my ward; I’ve also found myself thinking that I would rather not work in an environment where people would put their petty differences ahead of a patient’s safety – patient’s come first, egos come second in medicine. 

So… I wrote an earnest resignation letter and made sure I followed the rules in regards to mandatory notice and the two week resignation period where I still had to work. When I walked out of that meeting and said my peace, I kind of returned to my old self. One of my colleagues noted, “You’ve got your cheeky smile back – you just resigned, didn’t you?”. I was beaming.

Without a job to follow-up and my “5 year plan” starting in the complete opposite direction I thought it would, here I am.

Things that have happened but not in quite the order I had envisaged:

• I quit my job
• I got my long-awaited puppy named Sophie. She is one of the reasons I want to get up in the morning.
• I am looking for an apartment to buy and live in (with Sophie Bear).
• I have applied for new jobs – I got a job interview straight away – outrageous!
• Acknowledgement of my ticking biological clock but not being afraid about it. There’s just some stuff you cannot plan for.

So I guess I just have to say that yes – you can plan for lots of things in life but it’s immensely important to trust in yourself. My instincts told me that I had to leave and I consulted with my family and my best friend and with their support I made my decision to leave. I haven’t looked back.

I am desperately sad to leave some of my beloved friends and colleagues at work but I know that they too will see the light and move on one day.

I got Sophie Bear, she’s kind of like a therapy dog (according to my shrink) and she is outrageous. She is cute, smart, funny, affectionate and playful.

I put myself out there and applied for jobs that might not be 100% right forever, but are probably right for now.

I am open to the prospect of love but am not actively looking anymore. I feel great about that.

I guess you could say, FINALLY, I am happy and headed in a direction I want to roam. 

I conclude with this song by Passion Pit (an old favourite), Better Things.

“Baby don’t be unhappy
Baby don’t be sad
Better things are coming
I swear there’s truth in that”

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I spent NYE with my beloved friends and we rang in the new year as only we could with Daryl Braithwaite’s The Horses. It was incredible. Strangely I was not hungover the next day!

So I’m back at work now, it’s as hectic as ever. Nursing just doesn’t ever stop.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want recently and what I want to change and things I can do about it.

At the end of last year we got some shocking news on the ward about a patient we had looked after for a long time – one who we thought would recover but sadly did not. It forced me to think about my life choices and how they affect those around me. It really threw me – a reactionary depression, they call it.

I’m doing a lot better now, in a better space but still working on myself.

This year I plan to:

• Start studying again (Nursing Honours) – I just got my study leave approved!
• Lose the weight I gained post appendix surgery – my body has changed and I have scars to prove it which I am shy about but I want to get back to being healthy.
• I’ve decided to go back to morning shifts so I can have a routine week with a home/work/life balance.
• Dad and I are going to start running together in Manly – walks first, then runs. Baby steps (and 3 bras) will be required.
• Enjoy time with my loved ones and visit my grandparents in Armidale. Reality sinks in when you realise your beloved grandparents are 85 and 80 respectively. They aren’t as sprightly as when I was young but my grandfather just bought a dozen cattle which he is SO proud about.
• TRY and get some annual leave – maybe not go anywhere fancy but just take some time out.
• Say YES to more things – I get very uncomfortable living life on the fly – but I want to be more spontaneous.
• Be more open with who I am and understand my limits.
• Embrace myself for my faults and love myself anyway.
• Accept my anxiety and depression and their triggers.

I don’t have a new years resolution per se, but I just want to take better care of myself and I hope that those around me will benefit from this.

Please everybody don’t forget, if you’re struggling there is help.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/

https://www.lifeline.org.au/

https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/